Sep 28 2016

When Love is not enough.

We moved easily from messages to phone calls. Everyday. Long phone calls filled with wonder and marveling over how much we had in common.

It was an easy flow of words that started to knit our hearts together. I enjoyed his ‘innocent boy like wonder’, his openness to my world and enthusiasm for life. Best of all he was local and my age.

He was falling hard and I was smitten by his heart. The possibilities that this ‘just budding’ relationship may have some traction was broadly swiped across both our souls. It all looked so good. So promising. The test came when weeks later we decided to meet. Although local he was still a good hour away.

I’ve been working on myself to be more open and not rely on the ‘type’ of man I tend to allow into my life. With this man I was listening with my heart. Putting aside preconceived ideas and truly seeing him through the eyes of my soul. I wanted to know him by the sound, rhythm and beat of who he was inside.

We met and although he was much taller than I’m use to and there were some other things that normally would not draw me in, it was who he was inside that made me decide to invest the time to see what all made up this man with the beautiful blue eyes.

We both had great hopes that the obstacles we both recognized would be overcome by the attraction we both felt.

I knew it was a long shot. But I’ve always been a risk-taker and didn’t want to prematurely give up on something that seemed to have promise.

But the longer we spent time together the more evident it became to me that it wasn’t going to work. Despite the fact that my heart fell for this man and the beauty in his soul. He felt it also but walked in denial saying he would change whatever he needed to do to make it work. That was the last thing I wanted. For him to change.

There was some back and forth and trying again until I knew in the end it was wiser to face the fact we were not a good match for long term.

He took it well.. at first. Agreed with me. Understood. But absence from each other brought out the demons of insecurity and now he calls me deceitful and a liar about any feelings I ever had. That I used him. Purposely destroyed him.

That hurts. Hurts that this man I loved, cherished but knew I wasn’t right for would turn and discount the carefully chosen path we took together.

I stepped out and took a chance to get to know someone that had touched my heart but wondered if love would be enough. In this case it was not. No matter how easily it was to love him.

I know me well. And in the end the fire that can singe pubic hair off of a man’s balls came out in full force as he accused me of dishonesty. This was the very fire I was trying to keep from him. One I knew he would never understand. The fire that burns through everything I write and do.

I lost a potential partner but more importantly I lost a very good friend.

I now sit and remind myself of these 5 important points when looking for a long term partner:

  1. Chemistry ..Is the desire there?
  2. Compatibility…Is there an ease and flow when together?
  3.  Connection…Does he feel like home?
  4. Communication…Are we able to speak truthfully to each other? Be vulnerable with each other without judgement?
  5.  Shared Vision for the Future… Do our lifestyles blend well with each other? Are we going in the same direction?

These are critical points for me when looking for a long term partner to share my life.

With him a few of these points were missing.

Because of that….Love was not enough.





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    • May on September 29, 2016 at 12:26 pm
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    Totally agree – Love is not always enough. Your checklist is spot on – you preferably need all of those attributes to be present for a relationship to work long term As one gets older it becomes apparent to me that being with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Well done you – very brave/ Good luck for the future, you deserve the”love” that you crave…

    1. Those 5 points are a wonderful guide for me. They help keep me focused and on the right path. Yes there is nothing sadder than being in a relationship and feeling all alone. I’d rather remain single, free and happy. 😉

      ~ Vista

    • Will on September 30, 2016 at 12:21 pm
    • Reply

    Great post. The openness you share is refreshing. All of us who were lucky enough to stumble upon your blog love your writings. Thanks, you really speak to our minds, hearts and souls.

    We have all been in this type of situation. It can be tough to talk about but like everything you write you express it so eloquently. I bet a lot of your readers are intelligent, independent and passionate people. Individuals who have no problem taking on world but yet can be guarded when it comes to love. Heart ache is tough but sometimes going through it we learn the most about ourselves and our own needs.

    Attraction and sexual chemistry can blind us in the beginning. Lust and mutual likes can cloud our objectivity. That’s why I agree with your five points. It’s essential to remember that the relationship is a two way street and that both parties have to genuinely care and want what is best for their partner. Your points help guide you on the right path to a successful long term relationship and not just one that is tied together by emotional baggage.

    I like the quote of what life takes away, let go. That is essential for healing. I am sorry for the loss of your friend and lover but quite honestly if he couldn’t respect your needs and wants than he was selfish and didn’t deserve you. Life is short, write your own story and spend it with people who love, appreciate and cherish you! LOL … Trust me when I say we don’t mind reading about it! You are an awesome woman who deserves the very best! I mean that sincerely.

    A friend and fan of your work …


    1. Dear Will… I love your encouragement and way of articulating your thoughts. Each relationship is a journey of self discovery if we pay attention. Those 5 points truly help me stay on track. I want my next relationship to be my last. Which is why I’ll take as much time as I need scouting around until it’s found. Until then… there’s a lot of fun and happiness to fill my life. 😉 Must keep my readers engaged!

      ~ Vista

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